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jobernaut

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(no subject) [Feb. 18th, 2006|05:10 pm]
jobernaut
[mood |lethargiclethargic]
[music |the kinks- waterloo station]

Ok,so youv'e had a week off college so far and on arriving on the final weekend, youv'e finally decided its time to do that biology coursework on genetic engineering, youv'e been "oh so dreading".
Despite many consecutive attempts at strategically placing the assignment sheet in the bin, washing machine and cats litter tray, it has yet to be destroyed. In fact it is extroardinarily showing signs of immortality, and has defied all burning and shredding attempts, you therefore come to the realisation that the only answer to the predicimant is to actually complete the assignment.
This however requires concentration, effort and application of brain cells, all of which you have yet to encounter or achieve in your life-time, and therefore after much contemplation over these profound matters, you resign your-self once again to idly sitting on the pink-fluffy bean bag, watching the minutes tick by and occasionally popping downstairs for a biscuit or a third tub of ben and jerrys.

Yes...despite change of working/school enviroment...i have yet to change in persona at all...although admittfully i have probably regressed a few more years!...gargh biology assignment has now re-appeared from waste disposal...bloody parents...there always moving my things...

must dash...cat poo to clean...hydrochloric acid to accidently spill on my assignment...ya know the usual...ah the joys of being me xxx
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(no subject) [Feb. 18th, 2006|05:03 pm]
jobernaut

Today  i went to croydon...oh the joys of it. Chav central...

 A small patch of greenery can be found, “park hill park”, inhabited by an increasingly growing ‘chav’ population, who are often found intimating elderly people innocently walking their dogs, or mugging unsuspecting pre-teens taking a short-cut through what can only be assumed to be a park. A teenage mother can usually be found by the play area, clutching her pram, a packet of Mayfair’s in one hand, a can of carling in the other, dressed up in her ‘classy’’ pink velour tracksuit and sporting a ‘flash’ pair of Reebok classics or Nike dunks. There children in an equally admirable fashion, an all in one Burberry baby suit.
Croydon is renowned for its night life, they more or less encourage underage drinking, and with a wide range of night clubs, with ‘optimum’ safety, only the occasional shooting, and an age range from 11-19, it is an ‘ideal’ clubbing spot. 
When it comes culture, Croydon has it down to a tee, it may not be the best place to visit if you like to dine and fine wine but if your looking for a good kebab and the latest range of fake designer gear, then its well worth that £1.50 bus fare. *note sarcasm* XD


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the forgotton journal....(again) [Feb. 17th, 2006|10:30 pm]
jobernaut
[mood |cheerfulcheerful]
[music |arctic monkeys- dancing shoes]

I was reminded of my live journal after seeing Lucy's myspace campaign.
Talking of which all you myspace virgins, join here!. Reasons for which you should join myspace...

1) Full of naked pictures and lesbian porn videos

Ok so that was a lie, but if you drink several shots of tequila, close your right eye and squint with you left, then ellie sometimes looks naked in her pictures....

...yeah i think its begginning to finally dawn on me why im so oftenly  mistaken for a lesbian ....hmmm...

since last writing on here, i started college ...which after danielle drawing graphic images of naked men above the urinals, humiliating myself dancing on a table and falling into pizza, jo haivng a bird poo in her mouth, shaun spraying silly string into a chavs face, asking the history teacher to suck my edible cock, playing strip poker in the refectory, filling the refectory with blown up condoms, pouring a honey-pot on my head and spending at least one free a week explaining myself in the senior- form's office ....i have to say college is the fooking best....

lessons are a doss ...

...psychology is hilarious- buffest gals in reigate amy k and paul b in that lesson...also got caz NUTS gal ...and cerazy dean (form tutor)
...maths- spent drawing on james, him insulting me, me asking him for the answers...and august (the best james bong villian look-alike maths teacher about)
...biology- spent texting emma, despite the fact she sits next to me..."suck ya beans"..."boobies ( . )( . )"..."dead girls dont say no"..."dead boys stay stiff longer"...lol
...english-  either dont go, turn up drunk or spend an 1hr 1/2 discussing the relevence of sex and death within some crap poems...

...my frees are usually spent with leanne in the refectory, being kool...want ya babies...muff...

a major exception is wednesdays, our two hour lunch break is now the infamous dirty wednesday time, where everyone gets up to no good ...and has resulted in many a side splittingly funny, spit out your drink, pee ya panties moment....

.....before i totter off for my daily dose of valium.... i have to give a big shout out to danielle, emma m and bay ....HARD CORE TO THE CORE...init...
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(no subject) [Jun. 18th, 2005|03:50 pm]
jobernaut
[mood |tiredtired]

Iv'e forgotton what im doing here....


Today i decided to gather together every ounce of strength inside me and make the long trek to my friends house on the otherside of coulsdon...now when i was 9yrs old, with more energy than a dog on ecstasy..i frequently made such journeys without a thought towards the detrimental effects exercise has on your health ....hmmmm
However after walking the 2 miles there and back, in swealtiring heat, having lost my shoes 1/2 a mile previously, i collapsed thorugh the door and vowed never to leave the beanbag again. I then made the fatal mistake of looking in the mirror only to be confronted by a face that was redder than a 50 year old, over-weight, alcoholic.
I also had one of those moments today where you think to your-self...please dont let me be a bum when im older (a usually quite intriguing prospect, shattered by encountering one on my trek back home)...walking down the long alley-way from coulsdon south station to red down road...i had just made it to the stairs leading up to the pavement...when i heard a mans voice slurring "help me...somebody help me...anybody help me...ow..ow..ow...ow..help me"...now being a 16 year old girl the brigthest thing to have done would have been to just carry on my journey...and not looked back...however i thought it may liven up my otherwise boring walk to find out who it was and what was wrong...hence i doubled back down the alley way in the direction of the voice and dicovered a 40 year old man lieing sprawled across the floor at the bottom of the stairs up to the station...reeking of alcohol, unshaven, with his shirt half ripped off him...he looked up at me, gave me a rather confused look and said "iv'e forgotton what im doing here"...me also beginning to wonder what i was doing there sat down next to him and said "yes...so have i"...


Above ^ me on one of those days where being a bum just doesn't seem like such a bad idea...
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(no subject) [Jun. 15th, 2005|09:04 pm]
jobernaut
[mood |accomplishedaccomplished]
[music |electric six- gay bar]

please may i have the attention of the class....today's assignment lick some ass!!!


NEWS FLASH...NEWS FLASH...It has been confirmed that Jax failed to seduce her man in Hyde Park!


I am disappointed....ashamed even to be informed that Jax failed to take notice of my words of wisdom...Hyde Park...the perfect destination, hand selected from a number of the most desirable celebrity hot spots...shafted aside for.... (i dunno but some boring shit hole)
Jax refused to tell me the true destination...afraid i wud be 'o so mean' as to put up our private conversations on the web...i therefore decided to concuct my own story of what i believed to have happened that fateful night ..."jax went to the G.A.Y club with her man ...they got down and dirty with a couple of tall dark leggy big busted strangers...before continuing on to a private party back at incredibly hunky and butch sarah's house"

I first became aware of this atrocious news just after 8.30 pm today when the following conversation took place

jax- come on we had a convo about sex in the park for gods sake!
jax- which didn't happen btw
jo- Oh no....why eva not.....o god jax u did it rong didnt you...u jumped him before u got to the memorial fountain...now let me talk you through this again....u take him into Hyde Park... make him feel at ease...u splash around a bit in the fountain...make him feel relaxed...you take a stroll up the path...make him feel comfortable...you watch the birds.....birds....birds ....birds...birds....and now you jump him and have rampant sex!

Now i know we have all been greatly saddened by this news...in time you sha'll begin to come to terms with it...maybe even take a stroll in Hyde Park youself without being over-come with emotion...however till then...im sure jax will provide you with the details of her councillor, psychologist and the contact number for Sarah the butch lesbian prostitute...
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(no subject) [Jun. 12th, 2005|05:19 pm]
jobernaut
[mood |bouncybouncy]
[music |bewitched - cest la vie]

um i find you very attractive...would you go to bed with me?...


So it is the beginning of the end...we are planning our end of GCSE party...am i sad, u ask? ....FUCK NO!...So over the last few days we (that’s me, bernice and ellie) have been gathering the greatest old school songs of all time together…so we can party like never b4….thats right you got it…yr 7 school disco style….so yeah we could have played some ‘U2’, a bit of ‘razorlight’, thrown in the odd ‘libertines’ song, added a touch of ‘the killers’, a bit of ‘iron maiden’, a sprinkle of ‘foofighters’ and maybe a dash of ‘franz ferdinand’….but then what would the chavs have done….
So instead we will be playing the greatest school sounds of the 90’s…because no one can resist shouting the words to “Sex on the beach”, dancing the “Macarena”, doing the ‘Agadoo’ and no girl hu was a 9 yr old in the 90’s doesn’t remember those o so sexy playground dance routines to Britney Spears “baby one more time” and “you drive me crazy”….
So most of us like listening to our indie/punk/grunge rock and a couple to there hip-hop and R’n’B *cough cough Bernice* when we are chilling at our houses on a sunny Sunday afternoon, stoned at a Friday night party, or casually hanging with our mates on a saturday….but get a bit of alcohol in any one of us…or when we all think no one else is around…and who can resist grabbing that hairbrush/shampoo bottle and screaming the words to “Bewtched- ces’t la vie” or “spice girls- stop” ….denial is a terrible thing...we all do it…..i mean what other chance are you going to get of winning that Grammy (or furby stuffed at the back of you wardrobe-in reality)
See any non-chav can mosh to a good rock song…but can you shake ya thang to ‘Christina Aguilera- genie in a bottle’ …..wedneday the 22nd shall reveal all….


Above ^ bernice and me and ellie and bernice at our last party in the park
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(no subject) [Jun. 12th, 2005|03:35 pm]
jobernaut
[mood |gigglygiggly]
[music |green day]

I beg to differ on the contrary, I agree with every word that you say


It has been suggested in recent years that the gcse examinations have been getting easier...i disagree infact they have been getting funnier...after attempting to contain my laughter in the history exam when bernice did our infamous sign language across the hall...i was faced with another laughing dilema in english...when me, bernice and claudia witnessed hannah, late for the exam, running passed the hall... concentrating intently on her running...a face of sheer determination....legs wildly flying around her...and a Pruney spin that no one could match...she then burst into the hall and was confronted by the examiner who attempted to sit her at the nearest free table....amidst hannah's protests "but this doesn't look like my chair...i dont think this is my seat"...the examiner reluctanly led her to another seat where hannah finally subsided...
Now on any other day i would have expressed a small smile, maybe even a little chuckle at the fact that it could only have been Prune. However in a GCSE exam where most of the hall were staring intensly at their anthology and even the dropping of a pen, got a look of death from the more serious of academics...i could do all but fall off my chair with laughter...me bernice and claudia erupted into hysterics...lying face down on our tables, shoulders shaking and still the odd muffled giggle could be heard through the jumper and pages of poems i'd managed to stuff in my mouth...
After finally recovering form this episode i tried hard to seriously concentrate on the exam however the temptation of being JOEY overcame me, and i decided that descriptive witing in your GCSE could be set for far better uses such as describing the story of a "young girl called Bernice Tuckey, who was psychologically traumatised after she didn't quite make the 5 minute run from the maths block to the school toilets in time"
So what is the point of this entry... well the moral is- dont do a JOEY, take your GCSE's seriously...

1) do not plan to start revising for your GCSE's two months after youv'e finished taking them
2) remember if you want to appear as if u care about your exams...at least bring a pen
3) do not sign and signal across the examining hall
4) its not funny when you witness prune running past your desk, 10 minutes after the GCSE started
5) don't drink 11 cups of coffee before an exam, it will cause eratic behaviour, twitching and shakes (you will not make it past page 2 of 20)
6) missing the only bus to the exam, because you have a desire to stop in woolworths is not a good idea (haribo is not more important...if you already have 2 bags in your locker)
8) Using your english exam as an opportunity to embarrass your friend is not a good idea...(it may make you laugh for 1 1/2 hrs when youl'd otherwise be silent...but it wont get you any marks)
7) If the worst comes to the worst and you miss, fail or are disqualified from an exam....there is only one thing for it...ALWAYS BLAME BERNICE!!!!!!


Above ^ hannah. AKA PRUNE/PRUNEY BABY struts her stuff in our last ever chemistry lesson
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(no subject) [Jun. 6th, 2005|06:34 pm]
jobernaut
[mood |angrybloody pissed off]
[music |joeyb-death to the fuckin dopey cow]

B-I-Oh-'ell-Oh-Gee-Why....its just biology!!!


So today...the alarm went off at 8...and i thought "fuck that" and went back to sleep...only to be woken again at 9 by billybillybumbum (my cat)...wretching and being sick all over the floor...turns out he ate another one of my sisters bra's (its an addiciton i know- thats about the 11th one)...neway he has to go to the vets...and will prob have to have a pill so it will come out the other end instead...i know...i know..im talking about my cat shitting my sisters bra out...(but its about the most exciting thing in my life at the moment....now thats sayin sumfin)
So today was the dreaded biology exam...(what more can you say other than.....shit...bloody shit..) ...and to wind up a brilliant day me, claudia, hannah and mia stop in tescos on our way home so claudia could buy a lottery ticket (go claudia...IT'S YA BIRTHDAY)...so claudias waving her "I'm 16" balloon in the air..covered in all her " I'm 16" badges...she hands her lottery ticket over...and the dopey cow behind the checkout say's "ummmm...how old are you?"...so claudia indicates towards the balloon and the dopey cow says "can i see some identification" neway in the end we have to shamefully walk out the shop because none of us have any...so claudia and hannah trot off home and mia and I walk to the bus stop outside tesco..only to be told by emma we've jsut missed the bus...and then it suddenly hits me i have a gym pass in my bag...which has my photo and birthdate on it...so iv'e finally a use for the the gym pass which has been gathering dust in my bag for many a month...i storm back into the shop with mia...slam it down at the checkout and ask to have claudia's lottery ticket ...and the dopey cow says "do you have a passport or birth certificate on you?" (WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU TAKE YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE ON YOUR WEEKLY SHOPPING TRIP TO TESCO'S) ...fuming i continue to wave the gym pass widly in front of her face and the dopey cow's only reply is "we dont accept fake ID here!!!"....in the end me and mia have to retreat from the shop...(it was either that or be escorted out)...im still in total shock...it may take several years of therapy to recover...not only did i not get the lottery ticket...but we were accused of going to the great lengths of buying a birthday balloon and forging a gym pass to get the bloody thing (and to be honest if i was gonna forge a fake ID...i would have at least used a better picture of me!)...i then missed a second bus...as emma pointed out again to me on leaving the shop...and had to get the 60 home which requires a mile and a half walk...so yeah all in all im all smiles and happiness today ...

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(no subject) [Jun. 4th, 2005|02:39 pm]
jobernaut
[mood |cheerfulcheerful]

The hitch hikers guide to london...


ok so today was spent idly lieing on the big pink fluffy beanbag whilst talking on msn....so in my mums words "how the fuck do you amuse yourself for that length of time talking to virtual ppl"...well number one THERE NOT VIRTUAL...there my close friends...most of them are my close freinds...ok only some of them are my close friends...alright one of them was once a friend of mine...ok so they may not be close friends...but once on a wednesday about 11am i spoke in person to one of them...that was nice...
Neway so that doesnt answer the question of how i amuse myself for so many hours on msn well this is a sample of what i talk about... in reply to a certain persons (i won't say there name, they may not want to be mentioned) question "where would you go with a potential boyf in london?" ...this is the conversation that followed

jo - "the only place i can think of is the imax but that isnt a very romantic place...like ya cnt exactly get jiggy in the imax wen at the same time you have some virtual spaceship or 3d tigger jumping out the screen at you"
jo-"unless uve ever fantacised about makin out with tigger present"
jax-"lol nope"
jax-"we'll prob just wander around...i dunno we'll see"
jo-"yeah u could just go to hyde park and fool around and stuff *wink wink*"
jax-"im not having sex in a park! lol"
jo-"lol jax im appalled that u would be so distasteful as to even suggest that i was making insinuations towards the fact that you should jump him in the park and have rampant sex with him .......like a thought like that would have even occured to me.....hhmmm....yeah"
jax- "lol ok im sorry to even think like that.."
jo-"your apology is accepted...and im guessing then we have ruled out the possibliity of you shagging him in the park....london eye?imax?tube? the far left hand side of the 3rd floor of top shop behind the knit wear rack?....no ....ok....suit yaself then"

Ok so clearly my suggestons were snubbed ....but if anyone else has any suggestions for the anonymous person (yeah... bet none of you guessed lol) who asked the question please feel free to post a comment on the live journal...
Neway i hope the above extract can answer all the questions my mother ever had about me....lets just hope im not banned by her from going to the far left hand side of the 3rd floor of topshop....again....(lets just not talk about why she banned me the last time :p hehe)



Above is a photo of jax and me in one of our prime moments...not that im suggesting it was jax i was talking to in the msn extract earlier......
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(no subject) [May. 31st, 2005|07:26 pm]
jobernaut
[mood |weirdrandom- ice-cream high]
[music |green day- american idiot album]

Can I introduce you please, to a lump of Cheddar Cheese?...


heya...it's strange isnt it the less i do, the more bored i become, the larger desire i have to write in here and yet consequentially...i have nothing to write about...
i was planning on setting this out, bridgets jones style today i.e...number of cigarretes smoked ()....calorie intake ()...however i dont smoke...cigarettes...and i definitely don't count calories if i did i would probably be in for a bit of a shock as i've already consumsed 3 tubs of Ben and Jerry's...and theres a fourth one just calling out my name. Yes i know, i know its appauling..."im joey. im disgusting" i eat my body weight in Ben and jerry's two or three times a week..0_o...now in some paticular cases this would be described as an addiction, compulsive disorder, an infactuation, an obsession or even a complete dependance on a tub of ice cream....however i would prefer to refer to it as a mutual admiration between myself and the product...as many of you know Ben and Jerry were planning to accompany me to the prom ....in a completely platonic sense ...obviously...however for those of you who have heard the rumours that they abandoned me as their prom date in preference of going with Neopolitan, due to their bitterness over my growing jealousy and possesiveness of them ...HEARD WRONG!...in fact Ben and Jerry were VERY distressed to realise that they had a prior engagment at a promotional event with Hagen-daz...
Neway for the people who stumbled aimlessly across my L'J and actually dont have a clue who i am (or even what im talking about)...yes the ones who's cursors are now desperately searching for the "back" button (thats the top left-hand corner for those who haven't worked it out yet) ....and also for those friends and aquaintances who are "politely" thinking and frantically trying to decipher what the fuck i have been going on about for the last few minutes...do not fear i shall be taking my daily dose of valium in around about 1/2 and hour.....
.....and for those who do understand what im talking about...i think it may be a good idea...infact i actually think you need/should/must take your daily dose ....NOW!

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